A Beautiful Lifetime
by sierrab
Summary: Isabel Conklin thinks that her days as little Belly have long past. But after she sees Conrad at her college graduation, she'll realize that growing up doesn't always mean leaving your past behind, and that love might just be worth fighting for. Even if it's tough.
1. Memories

A Life for Myself

I was lost. Well, I mean, not like, for real, but that strange, misty, dreamy sort of lost. My dream was one of those confusing ones. You know, the kind where you know instictively that you're one place, but your surroundings say you're in another place. I knew I was in Cousins. I could feel it around me; the way the air smelled sweet, like summer, and the feeling of being away, away from everything that just didn't matter at Cousins beach. I could hear Susannah's soft laugh caressing my ears, the sound of the boys arguing over whose turn it was to play the video game, my mother's clear, sharp whistle carrying some rhythmic song to my ears. However, despite the feeling of the beach house all around me, all I could see were massive walls about me. Sturdy, concrete walls that twisted this way and that way usurped my path. I tried to reach the end of this tangled pathway, but everytime I thought I had discovered the exit, I found myself at the beginning once more. All of a sudden, the sounds in my head all went silent. I waited, desperately, for them to come flooding back once more; I didn't want to let go just yet. Then, another sound started, a voice that set my heart to beating wildly. The walls echoed Conrad Fisher's smooth voice all around me, as if daring me to try to find, in this twisted dreamland, the boy whom I had loved practically my whole life.

"Belly," the voice whispered in a hypnotic rhythm. "Come get me, Belly."

I began to run frantically, trying with all my might to find the way out of this cursed maze. The voice continued to harass my ears.

"Stop!" I yelled, pressing my hands forcefully to my ears. "Just, please, shut up!" I begged, urgent tears escaping down my cheeks. My whole body was filled to the brim with a hopeless despair.

The voice only got louder and louder, and I sprinted down the gnarled pathway faster and faster. I felt positive that I was going crazy. Suddenly, an ugly, screeching sound filled my ears. I was thankful, so thankful, for this terrible din that drowned out the haunted cries of the boy I loved. In my dream, I fell to my knees, gasping for breath. In an instant, though, the ground beneath me collapsed, leaving me falling into a dark, deep pit full of gloom and darkness where nobody could hear my screams...

I jerked awake in my bed, gasping for air, sweat beaded on my forehead, my dream utterly forgotten. My alarm clock blared in the background, rapidly beeping, urging me awake.

"Ugh," I groaned, slamming the off button and rubbing my eyes with my hands. "Why the hell do I subject myself to this?"

_This _happened to be my daily 6 a.m. wake-up that I despised. My shift at the office on-campus started at 7:30. I had applied for the job at the beginning of my senior year, proud of myself for taking the iniative. Now, I wondered why in the world I had thought working at college would be such a wonderful thing. However, as much as I disliked my early mornings, I had to admit that my job as a student-secretary had brought in at least a steady flow of cash; well, more like a steady trickle of cash. Still, it was something. Most of my day consisted of filing and sorting paperwork, setting up appointments for various staff members, and going on frequent coffee runs for said staff members. Not exactly the kind of thing I enjoyed, but, then, who really enjoys their first real job? Besides, I only had a week until graduation. After that, I would be looking for something more permanent, mostly because my mother didn't let her kids freeload off of her. Just ask Steven, my brother.

I hopped in the shower, the feeling of the steaming hot water against my frigid skin causing goosebumps to rise all over me. I had my morning routine down to an exact science. I always did the same thing with my hair and what little make-up I wore, and I usually picked out what I was going to wear the night before, making my mornings so much more efficient. Well, as efficient as anything in my life could be, anyway. I usually watched some TV while I ate a meager breakfast and sucked down a cup of hot tea. I detested coffee, but I didn't mind having something hot to drink in the morning. It's funny. I used to make fun of my mom for drinking all her "gross" organic teas, and now here I sat, desperately trying to make the ascent into consciousness by drinking the self-same tea. It was at times like these that I begrudgingly realized just how much like my mother I was starting to act as I got older.

My drive to work and school took less than fifteen minutes, especially since I rarely ran into any heavy traffic on the highway. I pulled into the college parking lot, displaying my parking pass in the windshield and stepping out of my car. As I trudged toward the main office, I looked around the campus that I had become so familiar with after all these years. The little picnic tables that were nestled under groves of spruce, the fountain in the courtyard with its statue of some historic figure standing proud in the center of the sprays of water, the library where I had spent many a long night cramming with Taylor and Anika, my closest friends. I found it hard to believe that I would be leaving this place for good in a week. So much of my life had happened here. I had really grown up, really matured, become a young lady. I sometimes wondered if Susannah would be proud of the woman I was becoming. I liked to think so. I mean, I wasn't just little Belly anymore. I wasn't that little girl who desperately needed to be included, who sought after attention every chance she got. No, I had, I don't know, found myself, or something; I had become Isabel Conklin. My life had been kind of redefined, for lack of a better word, by college and the experiences it had to offer. I learned how to survive without those I loved being close to me, even though learning that survival had been a long, hard road. Especially after what had happened between me and Jeremiah. That incident had caused me to really take a long look at my life. And it made me realize that for the first time, I needed to become someone other than my summer self. Oh, that girl would always be there on some level. I would never give her up completely. But now, I also had another life. A life that I had created all by myself.

After work, I had a couple of final exams to take. They were nothing serious, so I got them over with quickly. My work load senior year had been blessedly light which gave me plenty of time for other, more important things. Like my social life.

Unlike Taylor, I didn't spend copious amounts of time at parties, flirting and dancing and drinking. I did, however, sometimes enjoy going out with Taylor and Anika; that is, if Anika was in the mood. We'd hit up some club where Taylor would usually find a guy to take home and where Anika and I danced ourselves silly. As a rule, though, I kept these outings to a minimum. It wasn't really even my scene. I mean, sure, I didn't mind having some carefree fun, but I also didn't enjoy having random, drunk guys try to find an excuse to feel me up out on the dance floor, either. So, we typically just met up for dinner at some restaurant, or had a movie night at one of our apartments where we'd binge on rom coms and junk food. I thought my life was pretty great.

This particular night, though, I was alone. Taylor had some sorority gathering, and Anika was on her period, and she preferred to be miserable all by herself. I didn't mind. I needed to get some laundry done anyway. Which I didn't do; I never did. I absolutely hated doing laundry, and I put off doing it for as long as I could possibly scrounge up some sort of outfit to wear.

Instead, I stretched out on my couch, flipping through the channels on TV before finally settling on _To Kill A Mockingbird. _You know, the movie with Gregory Peck. I had always loved old movies. They seemed to have so much more meaning and depth to them than movies nowadays. It was like, at the end you always felt that deep sense of satisfaction, like you had just solved a really hard riddle that your teacher had given you. Of course, another one of the reasons that I was fond of old movies had to do with the fact that they reminded me of Susannah. She'd had a glorious collection of movies that had been filmed in the 30's, 40's, and 50's. At the summer house, we'd sometimes spend whole days watching movies out of her collection. The boys always hated it when we did that, but it had been one of my favorite things ever. It was Susannah's and my special shared love.

I sighed. Of course, thinking of Susannah led my mind straight to the summer house. And, from there, my mind would wander closer and closer to _that _place. That area in my mind that I hated and yet sometimes yearned to remember. I could hear his voice so clearly, see that smirky smile that I wanted so badly to kiss away so perfectly. I hadn't heard from Conrad since I'd come home from Spain, since I'd sent my one and only letter to him, actually. A part of me had desired, more than anything, to keep some sort of correspondence going, to keep communication flowing freely between us. Yet, I also knew that I couldn't do that yet. I still needed some time to breathe, to grow, to figure things out. I missed him like crazy, though. Despite the fact that all he'd really done was hurt me and humiliate me, somehow I knew he was, once again, that boy I had fallen in love with once upon a time. Oh, of course he'd changed. We all had changed. But he wasn't shut off from his feelings anymore. He knew what it meant to love, and he knew how to cherish love in a deeper way since his mom's death. His letters to me told me that.

As I changed into my most comfortable pajamas, and brushed my teeth in my tiny bathroom that night, these thoughts whirled around inside my head. I buried myself under a heap of covers, trying to force my mind to stop working. But I couldn't get away from them. The memories, I mean. All I knew was that I didn't know. I didn't know when or even if Conrad and I would ever be together again. I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted to give him my heart again. It was all the not knowing that killed me. But with Conrad, the not knowing was just a risk that had to be taken.

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	2. Summer Girl Again

**Thank you so much for your reviews! They really help me to stay motivated in my writing. Well, here's chapter two… Enjoy!**

**Summer Girl Again**

The last week of school passed surprisingly quickly. I finished up the last of my exams without a problem, and before long I was walking out of my last day of work. It was a bittersweet emotion that filled my heart as I drove out of the parking lot for the last time. On the one hand, I had never particularly enjoyed my job, but it had been my first one. There was something so comfortable about it. I had gotten used to all the endless filing and paperwork that was required of me. It would be weird not waking up at an ungodly hour every morning and trudging half-asleep into a stuffy office that smelled of copy paper and white-out.

Even so, I didn't grieve over my last day too much as I sped out of the parking lot and onto the main highway. Graduation was on Saturday, only two days away, and my whole family would be coming down tomorrow night. My mom, dad, Steven, even Jeremiah and Mr. Fisher, of all people, would be at my graduation. My mother, though, would be staying in my apartment while the boys would be grabbing a hotel room. I had mixed feelings about my mother coming to stay.

I mean, I had missed my mother, of course. I hadn't even seen her since Christmas break. For spring break, Anika and I had went on this bus trip to D.C. We took part in all the tourist-y things like the Smithsonian, a tour of the White House and Capitol Building, and a visit to all the monuments. Sure, it was a bit nerdy (which Taylor, who had went to Cabo, was sure to point out every chance she got) but Anika and I had both had a blast doing it together. My mother had pushed me to go on this trip. She was all about the college experience; still, though, I felt a bit guilty about never getting home to see her or my dad.

Then again, I did feel sort of, well, weird about my mother coming to stay in my apartment. I just felt like I would be giving up some of my hard-earned independence. Like, if my mother was there, I would suddenly become little Belly again. The summer girl.

Either way, I had to get home and make reservations for my mom's favorite restaurant that happened to be close by. I had made plans with Taylor, whose mom was also coming down, to take our parents out on Friday night. She had reluctantly agreed, with an eye-roll and groan, as long as we got back in enough time for her to attend all of her "social gatherings". Which basically meant that her brother fraternity was throwing a kegger that she didn't want to miss. I heaved a sigh as I pulled into the apartment complex, thinking about all the crap I had to get done between now and tomorrow night. I hopped out of my car and stepped heavy-footed up three flights of stairs. I reached my apartment and opened up the door up, tossing my keys on the counter that stood just inside the doorway.

"Hello, Belly," said a voice. I screamed, jumping back and bumping my back painfully against the doorjamb. There, on my couch, sat my mother in her unnervingly calm way.

"Hey _mom_," I snapped, moving away from the door. "You think it would kill you to, you know, maybe warn me next time you decide to sneak up on me in my own apartment?"

"Sorry, hon," she said, sounding not the least bit sorry. "I was planning to call you, but then I remembered you worked until two. I decided to just show up and surprise you." At this, mom arose from the couch and came over and enfolded me in her arms. I must admit that being held by my mother, with the familiar smell of her perfume wafting over me and her strong arms close around me, felt nice.

"Well, you should be thankful you didn't give me a heart attack." I stepped back and took a look at my mom. It really seemed as if she hadn't aged. Mothers had that way about them, though; that timeless quality. But there were those tell-tale signs of encroaching age, such as the lines that crisscrossed around her face and mouth. Subtle signs, but they were there nonetheless. "And not that I don't want you here or anything, but what exactly made you come a day earlier?"

"Well, Celeste and I thought we would surprise our daughters with a night out. Just the girls." So Taylor's mom was here too, then? I wondered how Taylor felt about that.

"Sounds like fun…" I said, although I actually thought it would be a bit awkward with both the mothers and daughters there. But I didn't say that, of course.

At any rate, it was surprisingly nice to finally see my mother. She could infuriate me so much sometimes, but then at other times I thought that there was no one else in the world I would rather be with. Except maybe Susannah. But I tried not to think about her too much anymore.

We met Taylor and her mom at a well-known little pub that was about thirty minutes from my apartment. They had the best food in the world and the best beer, at least according to Taylor. I had been there with Taylor and Anika a couple of times, mostly to appease Taylor. I remember this one time we went there, this guy started flirting with me. He seemed nice at first, and he was pretty hot, but then he kept going on and on about how smart he was and how he was going to take over the family business and blah, blah, blah. I finally pretended like I had to go to bathroom, and Anika and I had booked it out of there. Taylor had been too busy chatting up a guy to notice us leave anyway.

When we walked in the pub, Taylor and her mom were already sitting in a cozy little corner booth that was situated by a window overlooking a pond. Celeste stood up as my mom and I approached.

"Belly," crooned Celeste. "Look at you. You're so grown up, it makes me want to cry." Celeste cloaked me in her arms, nearly suffocating me with the smell of her Chanel No. 5 perfume. I fought back a sigh. There was nothing that made you feel younger and smaller than to hear someone tell you how grown up you look. It's like you're ten again and adults are fussing over how tall you're getting.

"Mom," said Taylor, rolling her eyes. "Enough with the waterworks. You're only sad because the older we get, the older you get."

Celeste glared at her daughter. "You won't understand until you've had kids how hard it is to see them grow up." Still, she placed her hand self-consciously on her coiffed hair.

"Oh, Celeste, we have to accept the fact that our little girls are turning into strong young women now," my mom said, smiling fondly at the two of us. She hardly ever got emotional.

"I remember when they were so excited about starting high school, and now here they are graduating college!" Celeste brushed away a few tears. Taylor and I looked at each other and rolled our eyes, yet I sort of understood the way she felt. It seemed like yesterday that we were longing to be high school girls, and look at us now.

By the time our drinks had arrived and we ordered our food, we were all sharing memories and laughing. We couldn't help it. I have to admit, looking back at all our little mishaps through the years created plenty of amusement.

"Well," I said, still recovering from our last bout of laughter. "I, for one, will never forget your eleventh birthday party." I looked at Taylor.

"Oh my god, I don't even want to think about it. I knew we shouldn't have rented that stupid Shetland pony. My first pair of high heels, and I step in horse crap." I burst out in laughter once more. I don't remember the last time I had laughed so hard. It seemed like it had been ages.

A few hours later, after I'd hugged Taylor and Celeste, and after Celeste had shed a few more tears, my mom and I headed back to my apartment. We sat on my couch for a long time, having a glass of wine and just talking. I told her all about college and my classes, and she told me about stuff at home. It was actually nice, just being mother and daughter without all the extra stuff between us. My leaving home and making a life for myself here had made our relationship stronger rather than weaker.

The whole time we were talking, though, I had this urge within me. I wanted, so badly, to ask about him. Conrad. I knew he and my mom still talked. They had a special sort of relationship, always had. I just couldn't bring myself to say the words; I was scared to find out what his life was like now because it didn't include me. What if he had a girlfriend? I hated to admit it, but it would absolutely kill me if he did have one. I knew I had no right, no right at all, to feel that way. After all, I was the one who had insisted that we keep our distance, that we wait and see what the future held for both of us. Yet, I also knew that I still loved him. When I thought about him I stopped being Isabel- mature, level-headed Isabel- and I became Belly again. I became that little girl with the freckles and glasses. The little girl who always felt inferior, felt left out. The little girl who pined after Conrad Fisher. I hated the fact that that girl was still a part of me, but I couldn't exist without her. She'd always be there.

That night as my mom was getting the couch pulled out and making her bed, I leaned against the doorframe, just watching.

"Belly," said my mom without even looking at me. "I know when there's something you want to tell me. Why don't you just spit it out?" She shot me a look then. You know, the _mom_ look.

I sighed, and all of the sudden the desire to ask was unbearable. It felt like a weight was pressing down on my chest, hard. I opened my mouth to speak. I was going to ask. I _had _to ask. I couldn't go another day without knowing. I cleared my throat and opened my mouth to speak. At that moment though, it was like my mind snatched the words away and replaced them with something else, something noncommittal.

"I just… wanted to tell you that I have my first job interview next week. I'm just sort of nervous about it." I felt like a total coward.

My mother, however, looked pleasantly surprised at my statement. She came over and quickly kissed the top of my head, her trademark symbol of affection.

"That's nice, Bean," she said, using my old, old nickname. "I'm sure you'll be just fine."

That night, after I had slipped on my PJ's and prepared for bed, I dug through my closet and grabbed a cardboard box. I took his letters out and laid them before me. I read each and every one of them, savoring them. His words, penned in his perfect handwriting, tugged at my heart and caused tears to drip slowly down my cheeks. In this moment, I was completely and totally his once more.

In this moment, I was that summer girl again.

**Well, what did you think? This was more of a filler chapter, but next chapter will have a lot more happening. We might even catch a glimpse of Conrad… who knows? Anyway, please review! I love to hear your thoughts, good or bad. Whatever they are, they help me to become a better writer! **


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